Quiz 4

What do you call an occasion when more than 20 actors gather together?
(Other than awards ceremonies or huge casts like LOTR where you have more than 100 gorillas running around)

Preview: Singapore vs Denmark

SPORTS PREVIEW – SINGAPORE vs DENMARK

The lions will face World Cup familiars Denmark at the National Kallang Stadium tomorrow evening.

After much analysis, we have come up with the conclusion that to heat the Denmarks to surrender will be the only way that Singapore will achieve success.

New national coach Tan Kee Gan said that he is very confident that the boys will make the Denmarks put in their best for tomorrow’s match. Tan, who has taken over the helm 1 day ago, said that the Denmarks will send in their second team and the Lions are likely to beat them.

“Furthermore the weather in Singapore is so hot, I think they will die even before the kick off,” said Tan.

“Muhahahahahahahahahahaha!!” Tan continued.

“Wahahahahahahahahahahaha!!” Tan exclaimed.

Unable to stop laughing evilly, Tan lost himself for almost thirty minutes during the hour long press conference.

“Hohohohohohohohohohoho!!” Tan cried.

“Merry Christmas!!” he added while giving out presents to the camera man.

Top goal poacher Teary Henry who just migrated from England Premiere Liga top flying team Arseanal was in tears after Tan’s speech.

“Look at him,” he cried, “how are we going to win Denmark like that?”

Henry was replaced at the match of Singapore vs Brazil at the World Cup where Singapore won 1-0. Henry was unstoppable in tears after he assisted Steven Tang for the winning goal.

Prediction: Singapore 3 : -1 Denmark

Reported by Mr. Kang Tao

Top Ten Gainers For Year 2005

Top Ten Gainers For Year 2005

1. Nabei Kanina Fuck! (N.K.F!)
2. MACdoneld’s (Subsidiary of Half-eaten-Apple)
3. Nizzan Corporation
4. Bang Bus Corporation Pte Ltd (BBC Pte Ltd)
5. Limited Creativity Pte Ltd
6. Gigantichard (Member of Anti-Mikrosoft association)
7. Transsexual Identity Board of Singapore (T.I.B.S)
8. Hell Computers and Laptops
9. O²
10. Sexy Butch Services (S.B.S)

1. As many already know, N.K.F is of course at the top, needless for much explanation. With a gold tap and gold toilet bowl, it would not be any surprising if when gold water (lion beer?) and gold shit appears.

2. The hot sell uPOD video has already claimed number one many of our hearts. Free Unhappy Meal with every uPOD skin. Who can resist such an offer?

3. The Nizzan Zunny has been selling out fast in the last quarter of 2005. The introduction of the 3 quizzes by ABC news has certainly brought up the sales, says the sales manager of Nizzan Corp.

4. Sales of uPOD has certainly brought the porn industry to greater heights, with watching of porn fast becoming one of the favourites among the young people. Bang Bus movies are certainly a hit, even till now.

5. The introduction of Limited Creativity Zan Micro Photo has certainly brought the sales of Limited Creativity to greater heights. However the existence of uPOD Photo and uPOD video will always mean a threat to Unlimited Creativity. Needless to say Jiayong Pte Ltd’s new ATM.

6. It is no surprise that Gigantichard Corp has been in the top ten for years already with the introduction of Doors XP. Damn Gill Bates.

7. With the production of porn unable to meet the needs of the people, our boys now have turned to even cheaper alternatives than the girls in Geylang. Large groups of Trans have been introduced at Changi in the third quarter and expected to be a hit till 5 years later.

8. The established Hell Computers and Laptops have surprisingly overtaken MP for the first time in history. This might be due to the changing of names…..

9. O² mini has been must for road warriors in year 2005. However the introduction of ATM means a big threat.

10. S.B.S has introduced a new hanky panky service for lesbians. A crazy hit since the first quarter of 2005 and doesn’t seem to be stopping.

Reported by: Mrs Cheow Kia Su

Answer: Quiz 3

Here's the answer to quiz 3.

Qn: What kind of restaurant must you never even try to open?

Ans: High-end Indien restaurant.

Technology – Jiayong Pte Ltd Releases its First Handheld Model

Technology – Jiayong Pte Ltd Releases its First Handheld Model

Jiayong Pte Ltd, main and sole investor for ABC news as well as newstonight.blogspot.com, has launched the company’s first hand held device ever.

Model name: ATM 0912

This first of a new series of handhelds seeks to satisfy one thing that all handhelds cannot do as of yet, not even the o3 ENLARGED or iPACK 6563.

Yes, you might have guessed it already, it is an on the go payment machine. With the launch of this new series, one will never have to need to bring a stack of notes to the Mama store, neither do anyone need anymore chips, coins or notes when they play mahjong.

How does all this work?

First, key in the name and the NIRC number of the recipient and the amount of money to be transferred. Next, swipe your NIRC on this handheld. Finally, the handheld will automatically dial up to the system and deduct or add the amount as appropriate. All these take no longer than 15 seconds.

This new sleek model comes in black only, suitable for both men and women. We have tried dropping it about 1000 times from 13th storey before the handheld’s LCD screen got a scratch. Our military tester has testified to that the handheld will not break down even under water. The ATM 0912 was tested by a shark and few days later the shark died of pain after breaking its teeth trying to bite this handheld. Part of the ATM 0912 became flat though – the battery. Certainly a must for the road warriors.

Thus, you can now bring this handheld out to anywhere to do whatever you want. The super-strong signal was beyond any of our imagination. We’ve tried testing it on the Moon and the voice was crystal clear. Currently our testers are flying out to Jupiter to test how far the signal could go.

Buttons are spaced out adequately with the swipe at the sides. The swipe will serve also as a security swipe in case you would want to lock your phone securely. The screen is wide enough for comfort viewing. With 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 true colours, feast your eyes on the screen instead of the real thing.

Also, this handheld runs on a WinDoors XP, therefore the owner can install from useful programs like Micromedia Nightmare-weaver, Adobi Pornshop to games like Grand Sex Auto 3 and Metal Worm 5.

Want to play high end games like Shattered Cell and World of Sexcraft? No problem. Get yourself a 1GB Gay-Force 10 Ti graphics card at $10 and install into your ATM and you’re up running. Playing games on the go? No problem. Connect up to 100000km with the new redtooth technology at about 1Gbps with your friends and get whacking!

This handheld supports mp3, wma, ogg, wav, midi, almost any music format that you can think of. Together with a storage space of 80gb and a SD, MMC, CF, memory stick drive, almost unbreakable super amour, you can listen to music as you jog, work in the office or make love in the bedroom. No worries, this handheld also acts as a loudspeaker and boombox as well. FM radio is included too. Time to hear your favourite DJ boom as he speaks.

Zboz, PangSeh 3 (PS3), Gamegirl Advanced, Nightmare-cast games are not a problem either. With a CD DVD RW Combo and a cartridge reader ultra combo you’ll find yourself lack of games to play.

Ok ladies don’t worry. We all know handhelds do vibrate. This is just the thing you need! Foldable into smaller pieces, all you need is to on the switch and do the thing!

Great news for men too. Preinstalled also is the wmv, avi, mpg, divx player, keeping entertaining on the go. An internet explorer has also been pre-installed. Jiayong Pte Ltd has come up with a new plan for all. Download 10 Gb at $1.00. Now there’re unlimited things you can do in the toilet!

Also, the 21.0 Megapixel camera works great. Home porn is no longer a problem for Singaporeans anymore with the video camera function which records in Mpg instead of the low quality .3gp format. Pre-installed with Adobi-Premierere, edit your videos like a pro! One moment you could be humping away happily, the next you’re gone!

Accessories will be given or can be bought too. A sound isolation earpiece with performance as good as one worth $1000 in the market will be included, just pull it out from the side and you’re listening.

For ladies there will be this ATM-skin in case you’re afraid it’d smell.

One charge of the battery would last you ten days, however there are 100 backup batteries in the handheld, so its recommended you charge once every 2-3 years.

All these in one at $250. Who can ask for more? Can our editor now to get one for yourself today!















Terms and conditions apply.

Ok here's our editor with the handheld. See how happy he is? Get yours today!



The ATM on your palm.

Quote of the Day

My friend Gavin has become a executive. Nowadays we call him Gavin.exe. Carine who is becoming a doctor is called Carine.doc. Vernon the tailor is called Vernon.zip. Weeting who has three girl partners with him everynight is called Weeting.3gp.

Local - Mouse Found Dead

A mouse was found hung dead at her house at 6.15a.m. this morning.

Mini was found to be lifelessly hanging when her neighbours walked passed her house. The latter immediately called the police and then sent her to the hospital, but she had been dead for days.

The police take this case as a suicide. No foul play has been suspected, otherwise a yellow card will be issued.

Her ex-husband, Miky Mouse, was shocked when he received the news.

"I have not seen her for months already. Its indeed sad news."

Mini's only good friend, Doneld Dark, had no idea why she have suicided.

"Blame that Miky. Cos' Miky became gay and ran away with Jerry. Mini thought she had lost sex appeal and was very sad. Likely this have to be the case."

Anyone who know anything please e-mail the poolis at jiayong05@gmail.com. The poolis MIGHT give away a Nizzn Zunny. Who knows?

Here the picture of Mini's suicide.

THE FOLLOWING PICTURE MIGHT BE SEEN AS DISTURBING TO SOME. PLEASE DO NOT VIEW UNLESS YOU THINK YOU CAN TAKE IT. CHILDREN UNDER 40 YEARS OLD PLEASE SEEK GRANDPARENTAL CONSENT





PLEASE LEAVE NOW BEFORE YOU VIEW THE SCENE OF INCIDENT

Answer to quiz 2

And the quiz no.2 comes to an end! Here's the answer, once again with no participants!

The smallest computer in the world - COMPAQ

Here's round 3!

What kind of restaurant must you never even try to open?

3 Nizzan Zunnies to be won!!!

Note from editor
Due to the poor respond this will be your last chance to win all the Nizzan Zunnies! There will be no more quizzies in ABC news.

Weather forecast

4 Jan 2006 Weather forecast

The northern and southern part of Singapore will be snowing in the late afternoon and evening. Residents in the eastern and southern part are recommended not to leave their house as there will be a strong hailstorm coming throughout the day. All are advised to put up SARS (Singapore’s Anti-Rain System) at home to prevent their cactus from drowning and rotting.

If you’re going central, do remember to bring along your coffin and prepare your will before you leave the house. Expect snow, hailstorm, strong wind, uprooted trees, flying cars, super sheeps and UFOs. Do look out for cats and dogs if it starts to rain.

Our weather girl for the month suggests not wearing anything especially for pretty girls. “This is because if you’re going out with clothes, your clothes are going to ripped away so you might as well go out naked.”

p.s. NEW NEWS RELEASE: watch out for shooting stars, meteors and apples from the newton trees. One girl just saw stars after hit by a shooting star.

WEATHER GIRL FOR THE MONTH

English la Premiere Liga

The English La Premiere Liga is going down the drain.

Why?

Following the footsteps of Abra Kadabrahamovic taking over as the board of Chelski and injecting countless money into the club, another Ruzzian billionaire is taking over Pokemouth. Soon.

Halli Blueknapp is promising not to spend too much on players.

‘If a girl is worth $40, I’m not going to pay another $10 for the hotel fee.’

See what he means. Who will believe him anyway? Soon after the new son-of-billionaire arrives he is going to eat his words. Watch him as he pays $100 for Tawnii Rock, $50 for an ultra protective condom and another $500 for a room in raffles hotel.

Maybe he’s going to pay another $200 to make it a threesome.

English La Premiere Liga is becoming World Wrestling Experts. Its pure entertainment.

Article by: ELPL hater.

Quiz 2

Here's your chance to win TWO Nizzan Zunny!!

Qn: What is the brand of the world's smallest PC? (Please do not try the net, its not going to work. You're talking about ABC newspaper's quiz here.)

Answer: Quiz 1

Here's the answer to Quiz 1. No one got it correct, or participated so as to speak.

Where got nice.

The prize is rolled over! 2 Nizzan Zunny to be won!!

Porn Robbery

A 21 years old pretty chinese lady was unluckily robbed last night in the most unusual manner at Pulau Tekong. Luckily she did not lose anything in the raid.

Sissylia Tan (not her real name) was going back home from work last night. When she reached block 666 and waited for the life, a towering Indian man appeared from nowhere. He grabbed her by the neck and dragged her to a dark spot.

Later he beat her up badly (Sissylia Tan suffered 1000 fractured bones and had about a million stitches). The latter cried for help to no avail.

After beating her up for about 3 hours, Sissylia was stripped naked by the man. The man put his d*** at her p**** and yelled, "give me your money or I'll F*** the hell out of you!"

As Sissylia was badly beaten up, she was too weak and could not reply him him. After 10 minutes of threatening, he finally gave up and went away.

The poois have rated this case as Porn Robbery. They also have come up with some details of the robber.

Not a chinese - from the 'tools' he used, he must have been stupid. And that he did not rob Ms Tan before he left.
Poor - not poor why rob?
Jobless - got job why poor?
Unskilled - skilled why no job?
Uneducated - educated why no skill?

If you know about the incident, pls contact the poolis at 6 I M P O O L I S.