Evening News 27/2/2006

TURKEYS CONTACT WITH BIRD FLU

The president of Federation of Chicky Kingdom (FCK) announced that Turkey is under hit of the destructive Bird Flu yesterday.

However, it is still unclear whether the Turkey referred to the bird Turkey, the country Turkey, or Turkeys in Turkey has contacted bird flu. All are advised that bird species are unsafe to eat.

The president of FCK also mentioned that, “for all who are desperate to eat aviary, they are advised to eat only penguins and UFOs”.

QUIZ

And the answer to the last quiz is here! What did iPOKE Quek say to the doctor?

“Doctor, I’m sick of my work.”

Next question:

Which part of your body do you use to drive?

This week’s prize – a packet of wet tissues worth Ed$100000.

Please submit your answers to jiayong05@gmail.com, accompanied by your address, e-mail and NIRC. Results will be announced as and when the Editor feels like it. No complains are allowed to be made.

KILLER ARRESTED

Runaway killer, namely Cockeye Long, was arrested this morning in his hotel room in Maleysia yesterday.

The Maleysian Poolis and Singapour Poolis have joined forces in order to track this killer down. They broke into his hotel room at around 12am, to find him having sex with 98 years old Singapourian man Pa Jiao Bang.

Cockeye Long was caught surprised and immediately tried to escape. He dropped his penis on the floor which wriggled vigourously on the floor. The Poolis were surprised and watched the penis wriggle.

Long climbed out of the window, jumping down from the 9413th floor in a desperate attempt to escape. He landed safely on the 1st floor unscathed and quickly made his way out of the premises.

Apparently, he recalled his penis that he had left behind in the hotel room. Witnesses saw him getting into his car and coming out as soon as he got in.

Fortunately/unfortunately, the Poolis were waiting for him back at his room and arrested Cockeye Long.

Evening News 23/2/2006

FOREIGN – NIGGERIANS RIOT OVER PROFESSOR MOHAHAHAHAMAD

In Niggeria, few millions were killed over the issue of the hentai drawing of Professor Mohahahamad. This time it was Chrisdians running wild against the Izlams.

The riot broke out last morning with the Chrisdians running all over Southern Niggeria where the majority of the Chrisdians reside chasing the Izlams with ABC Corps’ new X332 Uzi and KILLU58434 Bazooka.

One of our reporters managed to get one of the Chrisdians and asked for the reason of the rampage.

“They killed our gay partners in the North!” the boy said angrily, “just how are we going to challenge the Veron Tay and gay gang in the next Crazy Horse Awards?”

Thousands of Muzlims had already made shelter in the police stations. A curfew was set down by the Poolis and many of the Chrisdian mothers took their sons home and beat their backside with a cane.

It was a horrible sight. Our reporters heard desperate pleas for help as the dead on the floor had their genitals cut off, obviously to vent their anger in not being to participate in full strength for the Crazy Horse Awards.

Elsewhere in the homes our reporter heard the Chrisdian parents beating up their children for the massacring the Muzlims. One translated cry was such: You want to beat me until when? I’m already fifteen years old! Apparently his father had punched and abused him to lead to him crying

It was last Saturday when the Chrisdians were killed by the Muzlims up in the North for the hentai drawings.

SPORTS – JUICY MOURNINGHO ANGRY OVER LOSS

Chelski lost 2-1 to Buseslona in an exciting match held at a grassless pitch this morning.

With one own goal from each team, the person who looked the most deserving yet undeserving loss was John Teddy. After stripping at least 3 times to distract the attention of opposition strikers, he accidentally stripped in front of his goalkeeper, causing him to drool and forget about clutching the ball that Teddy passed to him.

The main highlight of the match was that Buses’ player, Messy, had a little messy play. The messy him was messily brought down by the equally messy Always del Horny and messily eyed where the messy referee was before messily fell onto the messy field and messily acted as if he was messily injured. Horny was then shown the red card for wad seemed to be a yellow card foul and nice acting from Messy.

Editor’s Note: If you can’t understand this part then just remove all the mess except Messy the player, then try reading again. Do not worry about this for future issues as I have just sacked the messy reporter.
"I'm not going to say anything about it (Messy) as I will get into trouble.
"It's a very cultural city Barcelona, you know all about theatre and you have theatre of very high quality in Barcelona," said an angry Mourningho after the match.
AISA ABC NEWSTONIGHT’S WEAPON SHINE IN ASIAN WEAPONWARE

From track shoes to teleporters, from bow and arrows to bazooka, from anti-punch bras to anti-bullet underwear. ABC Newstonight is certainly short of nothing.

At the first day of Asia Weaponware held yesterday, ABC Newstonight sold more than 90% of the total merchandise and have made at least US$1,343,657,865,765,454,127,645,765,865,453,765,432,235,435,234.87 from sales figures.

Weapon Minister Worms2 said, ‘without ABC Newstonight and their Editor, we all would have been dead by now. Their ingenious weapons like the sex bomb and the HIV grenade have certainly scared off many of those who pose a threat to us.’

‘How did you think Singapour could have won Irak yesterday by a score of 2-0? The power of ABC’s weaponry is so unimaginary that the Editor told me that he himself bet $50 on Singapour to lose the match following the threat e-mail. Hohohohoho!’

LOCAL – TAMMI THREATENS SUICIDE

Following the sex scandal, the female lead, TemptMe, of the video threatened suicide. That is, if she was not to be nominated in the next Crazy Horse Awards.

When told that CHA was only for gays such as Emo Neo and OT Khoo, TemptMe was very angry. She was later seen on the roof of her HDB flat threatening to jump down in an attempt to threaten the organizers of CHA to change the rules. The Poolis arrived soon as they have tracked her down because of her possibly having an unsound mindset.

After about 8 hours of negotiation to no avail, TemptMe suddenly took out her handphone and started stripping in front of it. The Poolis immediately seized the chance (Editor’s Note: SEIZED THE CHANCE) to grab TemptMe and pin her down.

TemptMe had to be taken back for interrogation forcefully. Whether she would be doing the same squatting action in the video that featured last year in a Melaysian Poolis station is a question that interests all.

SOCCER MATCH PREVIEW – SINGAPOUR VS IRAK

Our lionesses look set to be thrashed tonight as they prepare for IRAK at the Nation’s Stadium.

The World Cup winners look in good condition in their warm up even as this news is being published. However, a stronger Iraki side awaits them, with a treaty in hand.

The treaty was handed to Singapour’s captain Ong Beck Ham via e-mail. The e-mail read:

ﻬﻪﻨﻫﻮﻺﻧﻫﻬﻮﻼﻷﻙﻛﻗﻙﻈﻊﻍﻐﻫﻩﻦﻜﻈﻕﻴﻷﻨﻣﻒﻑﻐﻎﻬﻼﻷﻙﻛﻗﻙﻈﻊﻚﻘﻗﻦﻶﻸﻹﻗﻦﻶﻸﻼﻷﻙﻛ
ﻗﻙﻈﻊﻹﻺﻻﻫﻛﻬﻪﻷﻙﻛﻗﻙﻈﻊﻍﻐﻫﻩﻦ
ﻜﻈﻕﻨﻫﻮﻺﻧ
ﻫﻬﻮﻼﻷﻙﻛﻗﻙﻈﻊﻍﻐﻫﻩﻦﻞﻬﻺﻪﻬﻪﻨﻫﻮﻺﻧﻫﻬﻮﻼﻷﻙﻛﻗﻷﻙﻛﻗﻙﻈﻊﻍﻐﻫﻩﻦﻜﻈﻕﻷﻙﻛﻗﻙﻈﻊﻍﻐ
ﻫﻼﻷﻙﻛﻗﻙﻈﻊﻩﻦﻜﻈﻷﻷﻙﻛﻗﻙﻈﻊ
ﻍﻼﻷﻙﻛﻗﻙﻈﻊﻐﻫ
ﻩﻦﻜﻼﻷﻙﻛﻗﻙﻈﻊﻈﻕﻙﻛﻗﻙﻈﻊﻍﻐﻫﻩﻦﻜﻈﻕﻕﻙﻈﻊﻍﻐﻫﻩﻼﻷﻼﻷﻙﻛﻗﻙﻈﻊﻙﻛﻗﻙﻈﻊﻦﻒﻑﻐﻎﻬﻼ
ﻷﻙﻛﻗﻙﻈﻊﻚﻘﻗﻦﻶﻸﻹﻒﻼﻷﻙﻛﻗﻙﻈﻊﻷ
ﻙﻛﻗﻙﻈﻊﻍﻐﻫﻩﻦﻜﻈﻕﻷﻙﻛﻗﻙﻈﻊﻍﻐﻫﻩﻦﻜﻈﻕﻑﻐﻎﻬﻚﻘﻗﻦﻶﻸﻹﻒﻑﻐ

ﻙﻛﻗﻙﻈﻊﻍﻐﻫﻩﻦﻜ
ﻍﻐﻫﻩﻦﻜﻈ

Upon translation the email read

TAUSjgHasgAHvuiyhs8f9yrhkjfdgsufeyhwjtnf498hgtkjnvgbfg
adkshgasdhgksxzcgjagsadhsagd
gdahsjvdagw28ue3qhdbjcxzkcu8he3j2rfc8yxhnjkfed9yhjdc8y
hujknr3mfwecsuhjknrm3wdsxoij
lkm3rusjilkmfevdsjk.,

The Poolis expects a threat in the message and have asked the Lionesses to lose this match.

Prediction: Singapour 1 - 3 Irak

FOREIGN – SUPERMEN KILLED IN ACCIDENT

A sad day for Old York as millions witnessed Supermen falling from 1000km high to their deaths.

At around 10am in the morning, 10 Supermen were flying in the sky scouting for birds which might have caught the bird flu. Just then, the SuperXYZ Brand Ultrasonic Rocket was launched into the sky, hitting 1 Superman in the critical area, scoring a critical hit and 6000points. The rocket immediately exploded, killing more than 100000 birds and the 10 Supermen whom plummeted and landed to their death near the Statue of Editor.

No foul play was suspected. Witnesses please e-mail the Editor or Poolis.

SINGAPOUR UNHAPPY WITH AUSTRALLIA OVER AIR VEHICLES

Singapour’s Ministry of Vehicles (MOV) expressed its disappointment over Australlia’s decision over Singapore’s Vehicles in Air (SVIA).

Vehicle minister Mazda Teo said, “these Kangarooees, taking us for shit. While we allowed their birds to migrate to Singapore during the winter season they now refuse to let our birds fly there during mating season. What unreasonable fellows can these people be?”

Senior Minister MM Lee also said that it was very sad to see Australlia taking Singapour for granted.

“They think that we do not have the weapons to shoot their birds down. I hope our people will stop taking Kuantas as well as their subsidiary Jetmoon Asia. One day I will really send Air Porks over to blow them to the moon and make them rabbits.”

The MOV also said that they had sent several vehicles over to Australlia when their vehicles contacted bird flu last month, and that the Australlia’s Ministry of Mechanical Birds did not do enough to justify their decision of not allowing Singapour birds to fly in Australlia.

“They have certainly taken us for granted.”

PERSONALITY - XIEXUE & ROCKSEN

PERSONALITY – ROCKSEN AND XIEXUE

We have once again invited two celebrities to talk about the current hottest issue – the New Yoghurt Polytechnic female student who was caught in a sexual intercourse video clip scandal. But before that, here’s a brief for you on what has happened…

It was a dark a stormy night. The sky was red as clouds covered the horizon. Strong, cold wind blew against the window, producing an eerie hollow sound that would stand all hairs of the bravest. Lightning struck fast and hard with thunder following closely and mercilessly. Suddenly, the girl was caught in a scandal.

Now that you have had an idea of the scandal, we will have XieXue to express her views on this scandal.

Xiexue

I think the guy is very bad. It must have been him who forced the poor girl to have sex with him. What’s worse that *toot* even made her shoot a video clip! All guys are such horny asses I must say. That *toot* better not let me catch him. Or I will kick his *toot* and not to let him have father’s day.

Poor girl, if I were her I’m sure not to know what to do. It’s you men’s fault! You horny *toot* always make your girlfriends do the things that they do not like. Do you know how disgusting to us girl is your *toot*. I hope you *toot* out there will control your sexual desires.

Rocksen

*toot* *toot* your *toot* *toot*. Oh my *toot* her *toot* is *toot* *toot*. Such a *toot*
*toot* will *toot* *toot*.

1. *toot* *toot* *toot* *toot*. Where got as long as my crazy horse? Muahahahaha!

2. *toot* *toot* *toot* the girl can *toot* with me then hoseh! *toot* wah the Lawrance *toot* *toot* *toot* *toot* *toot* *toot* say that *toot* *toot* and 2 3 parts.

People can find the link to the 3 clips @ rocksen.blogspot.com

FOREIGN - AMERIKANS REINVENT MOLECULAR BOMB

Amerikans announced their reinvention of the even more powerful than the earlier version of the Molecular Bomb this morning.

Sister to the Atomic Bomb, the first version of the Molecular Bomb was launched targeted at the sixth moon near Venus. The effect was devastating. 10 out of the 11 rabbits living there contacted AIDS. The last rabbit, luckily, was spared the agony. It contacted HIV instead.

The research, headed by Gill Bates, was estimated to be about US$9,000,000,000,000. Asked what the second version’s effects were like, Gill Bates was secretive.

“Nah, it’s a secret,” said Gill, ‘I can only tell you that the second version of the Molecular Bomb is deadly. I can’t tell you that it will spread SARS, Hand-Foot-Mouth disease, Mad-Cow Disease, Tuberculosis, Bird Flu this time. I also hope to keep it a top secret that the contactor will have no chance of surviving the combo of disease as the disease will occur one after another.”

The next test site of the bomb this time will be Singapour. The test date is expected to be tomorrow, launched from Amerika at 12.00am and expected to make a hit Singapour at 1am.

LOCAL – ANGRY INTERN KILLS OLD HAG

An angry intern killed an old hag last afternoon, following up an incident where the old hag became unreasonable and said *toot* to the intern.

The intern, a 20 years old Chinese boy, stabbed the old unreasonable hag in the chest with a knife, spilling her heart and lungs all over the carpet floor. The old hag was killed on the spot, reasonable considering she was old and was a hag. Later, 200 dark chocolates came in and raped the old hag’s body. 200 of them had a go at the body, but no one reached climax considering the old hag was old and was a hag. Furthermore she was not sexy.

Colleagues reported the intern not handing in what the old hag was expecting, or rather the old hag caught a cold and just came back from a meeting, therefore sick and tired when the intern approached her. The old hag was very impatient and said *toot*, causing the intern to go to the kitchen, get a knife and stab her.

Following the frag, the intern made escape through the front door, with calls of ‘nice shot’, ‘good game’ and wheet’ flooding the room. The intern now has 10 frags and 0 deaths under his account.

This is local’s fifth death this month.

Classified

Events company looking for a logistic personnel for the month of April.

- $6.50 per hr
- Full time Monday to Saturday including overtime
- Male preferred as it may be hard work, but accept female too, either sexy, pretty or hardcore
- Bukit Merah Area

Contact Editor now for more details or interested. To post an advertisement for no charges at all e-mail the Editor at jiayong05@gmail.com

P.S. This is not a joke. I'm serious.

SPECIAL PERSONALITY - RASIST

This week’s FORUMS we interview a guest writer, Rasist Yong, to a column on the issue of Professor Mohahahamad which issue has raged many and to go on an endless strike.

Editor: Hi Rasist Yong, welcome to the interview. Today, we seek your opinions on the issue of Professor Mohahahamad, as you know, the hentai which have caused uproar and all the stuff. What do you think of it?

Rasist: I think that it’s stupid to go on such an uproar. These people frankly have nothing better to do. They don’t want to work properly, everyday go on strike. At the end of the day they end up with penniless, the country become poor and they go on strike for the smallest of issues again. God, who doesn’t want to watch hentai! Why not go complain about porn in the internet? Oops, I forgot most of them do not have internet.

Editor: …… What do you think we should do?

Rasist: Draw more hentai on the walls and stuff. Then these people will be so busy cleaning up the walls and wiping that they don’t have the time to do other stuff. Just beware of a mass orgy party.

Editor: Wow, do you think you want to join?

Rasist: Crap, I don’t even want to go near them. Remember? I’m Rasist. I just hope that no one shoots a porn film there, otherwise it would all come over again, these nonsense. They give me a feeling that all they want is just to go on a strike and create world disorder. Don’t anyone realise that it is always these Chocolates (strikers) who do all sorts of nonsense?

Editor: I see I see. Anything to add before I end this interview?

Rasist: There’s this quote by a policeman, which I want to share with you guys out there. Only two kinds of people make trouble. 1. Chocolates. 2. Dark Chocolates. Just bare with it.

Comments onhis page are made by Rasist Yong and does not represent ABC news’ view. If you’re considering to sue his ass to the sky please call Rasist at 6-I-AM-RASIST or e-mail to rasist@thisemaildoesnotwork.com.

Quiz

Previous Question: What is disgusting yet sacred?

Answer: Holy Shit

Question: iPOKE Quek hates to go to work. One day he decides to go to the doctor to fake a MC. The doctor issued him one. What did iPOKE Quek say to the doctor

Points to Note:
1) iPOKE 100% healthy
2) iPOKE did not tell any lies
3) doctor is not crazy
4) iPOKE Quek did not bribe the doctor nor anything

Lifeless Section - The Doctor is IN

In this week’s The Doctor is IN, our doctor is out. Therefore we have invited our Editor to answer some of our reader’s concerns.

Qn: Doctor, I have a strange problem. My feet smells and my nose runs. What can I do about it?

Ans: You sound perfectly fine to me, son. Just rest well and wash your feet more often.

Qn: Doctor, my menses have not been coming for a month already or so. Do you know what is going on?

Ans: I know, but I’m not telling you.

Qn: Doctor, my name is Rose Mary. I am giving birth soon. What will happen during giving birth? I’m so afraid.

Ans: Don’t worry. I’ll just be taking Singapour Airlines and going to KL. Please do not be concerned what I will be doing there. The plane and I will be fine, thank you.

Qn: Doctor, I’m 16 years old this year. My height and weight are normal and I do not have any health problems. However, I have a very small penis compared to my friends, almost like a peanut vs elephant. They laugh at me frequently about this. Can I do anything about this?

Ans: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Well.. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Qn: Doctor, my headache is killing me. What can I do?

Ans: Cure your headache or be killed

Qn: My face is growing more and more pimples. I tried pimple creams and they didn’t help. What can I do?

Ans: I heard that protein based facial creams helps a lot. You should try it sometime.

Note from the Editor: ok, this will be it for this week. All are welcome to e-mail questions related to jiayong05@gmail.com where our doctor will answer your questions for you.

Big Thank You

The team at ABC newstonight.blogspot.com would like to sincerely give a big thank you to Mr. Ivan at ivan633.blogspot.com for the advertisement placed on his blog for newstonight.



Note from the editor: Fat wish upon the revenue! =D However I'll ask them to consider giving you unlimited porn till you're married!

Top Ten Pick-Up Lines guys should use in a pub (not in any order)

10. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
9. (Walk up to the girl and touch them) Thank God, I thought that you were only an
illusion!.
8. Are you religious? Good, because I'm the answer to your prayers.
7. Hi, I'm Batman. Wanna see my batmobile?
6. You've been a bad girl. Now go to my room!
5. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
4. Do you like to dance? Well then, could you go dance so I can talk to your
friend?
3. Hi do you have a boyfriend. (Yes) Well, do you want another one?
2. Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you
notice that I noticed you too.
1. Oh my god, I thought I was gay... then I met you.

-submitted by the mysterious khoo-

Note From the Editor: Well, I guess I just love number 3.

Politics – OT Khoo Gets Bombed at Speech

A minor explosion took place last evening at Geylang Lorong 8 at around 8pm when OT Khoo from the Hardworking Party while he was giving a speech in bid for the constituency.

More than 100 naked prostitutes were thrown off their feet as the time bomb set off, leaving none but OT alive.

‘5 years back when I set up my stage to give a speech they set worms in, rotting the planks which caused me to fall in and be hospitalized,’ OT Khoo angrily commented in his bed at the Mt. Eliz hospital, ‘now they killed all the prostitutes. How am I going to win votes without these girls?!’

The ‘they’ that OT Khoo had supposedly referred to is most likely the xPAPx – Purely Another Party, led by Lee Hey You and his son Loanshark Lee Ah Long.

It is also well known that this notorious party refused to issue permissions to allow other parties, like the Hardworking Party led by OT Khoo and the most anti-xPAPx organisation – NPA (No Parties Allowed), to erect a stage and hold speeches.

Asking what were Khoo’s later plans, Khoo said that he will think up of foolproof plans in order to win a seat in the constituency.

“You just wait, “Khoo said, “just wait.. long long”

Local – Ministry of All-Out-Defend Gets Sued

Thousands gathered outside the main office of Ministry of All-Out-Defend as the latter’s new television advertisement failed to convince racism, and instead added oil to the fire following Europe’s furry over the hentai incident of Professor Mohahahahamad.

The television advertisement saw black cows shitting on or eating up the grass before the white cows could eat the grass. The white cows did not like the black cows and left the ground, which after a lion attacked both black cows and white cows. The cows rallied and succeeded in throwing the lion into prison.

These thousands were supposedly belonging to the black cow group, which requires no further explanation. Their cries were ‘WE DO NOT SHIT” as well as “WE ARE NO PLANT EATERS”.

The protestors flung stones at the building and painted graffiti on the walls, including shit and Professor Mohahahahamad, not forgetting to mention pornography. Few hundreds left the protests as they became too horny. The national flag was also ignited in flames and raised while the protestors stood still and sung the national anthem and recited the pledge.

After the pledge, Minister of All-Out-Defence made his entrance on a national car, made a national trip around the national stadium and gave a national speech, followed by the usual exciting fireworks and fancy dances which marked the end of the celebrations.

The protestants tried to continue their protests, but the poolis were already doing their job, injuring more than 600 people and killing over 700. The protests are still going on, and ABC will keep you updated on the event as soon as possible.

Events – Announcing the Commencement of The Most Incredible, Insatiable, Inaccurate, Inattentive, Inconsistent, Industrial, Inebriated, Inexorable, Infatuated, Inflexible, Informed, Ingrained, Inherent, Insolvent, Intensive, Interior, Intermediate, Internal, Intimate, Intractable, Intrinsic, Inveterable, Involved, Invoked, Inferable, Inevitable, Investigable en masse ensemble airy animated apt auspicious befitting bright bouyant carefree comfortable complacent congenial convival cordial debonair delirious devil-may-care dizzy drugged easygoing effervescent fancy-free favourable felicitous festive fit fortuitous fortunate frolicsome gala golden gratify hilarious insouciant intoxicating jocular jolly just lighthearted lively lucky nonchalent opportune optimistic overjoyed promising proper propitious prosperous rapt ready ready rejoicing right rollicking successful suitable tipsytriumphant upbeat vivacious warm well willing Event of the year!

Date: TBA
Time: TBA
Location: TBA
Price: TBA
Organiser: TBA

E-mail our editor if you are interested!

Valentine's Special

5 Ways to Impress Your Valentine Tomorrow

1) 99999999999999999 Lilies
She will be so overwhelmed that she will marry you immediately. Why not roses, you ask. Simple. Your girl will find you lack of creativity.

2) 99999999999999999 Ferrere Rochor chocolates
Well, which girl does not like chocolate? But as the name goes, Chocolate - The Greatest Sin, make sure you pray your chocolate to your respective gods first before giving the chocolates to her.

3) AE86
What can we say about this godly car from Mt. Akina? However, please do not paint the words “Teng Yuan Dou Fu” or our editor could sue your asses to the skies.

4) One Day Stay at the Editor’s
Pamper your girl with a one day and one night stay over at the editor’s. She will love you soooooo much when she returns back to you the next day, for giving her the best treat in the world.

5) LV
Though its unclear why many girls like Laohong (leak gas) Volleyball, it would be impressive to get one for the girl.

ABC Quiz

Ok, the answer to the last question,

What is dead but can sing?
Ans: Kettle

Next question,

What is the most disgusting, yet sacred thing?

H____ S____

The prize is one day one night trip at the editors house!*

*Prize includes a 4 star room stay, inclusive of attendant 24hours. Lunch, dinner and breakfast for the next morning will be provided. Prize not exchangable for other prizes. The editor's decision to award the prize is final.

Local - PKH Pte Ltd Suffers Trojan Attack

Local - PKH Pte Ltd Suffers Trojan Attack

Phua Kang (Hole) Pte Ltd suffered a huge setback yesterday at around 3pm as trojan, PKH-must-die.virus, ate into their system and corrupted all the files and settings in the company.

The reason behind the cause is still undetermined, as the system administrators work frantically to bring up the system in the shortest time possible.

Smoke was reportedly seen from the server hardware as the virus set into the system and caused irregular running procedures in the hardware. Luckily the smoke did not cause harm except to trigger the fire alarm and emergency water from the ceiling.

The water went into various computer systems, causing electricity failure. Fortunately, only 5 were electrocuted and died on the spot, 10 were paralysed by the shock and the rest, only 15 of them, lost either an arm or a leg.

The emergency alarm set in 5 minutes later, but the water had already flooded the floor, causing a power failure throughout the whole building and the people had to evacuate immediately. Another 5 minutes went by and power systems crashed with 1km radius of the company as they had share power systems.

More than 1000 people went on strike at the main road of Jalang Bukit Merah, armed with makeshift ultra portable rocket launchers, hand grenade Prototype 61439, AK47, and Extreme Z48544 Machine Guns. More than 300 Usu Halima dynamites were also planted and set off, killing and injuring over 3000 poolismen and Flying Tiger Team which came down soon after the strike started. After 6 hours of battle, no one was left standing.

However, this caused a huge traffic jam for the 6 hours, with linking traffic jams from Sentosa to JB, some even say Batam. More than 12 chain traffic accidents took place around the island. More than 900 were dead and 12000 injured.

All this summed up to a busy day at the hospital. Emotions were high and people jostled in various hospitals for immediate attendance by the doctors and nurses. Due to the frantic work actions by the doctors, many of the blood packets were infected with the T-virus. More than 10000 have been transformed into zombies, but people can assured as the Poolis have secured these areas namely Ang Mo Kio (Ang Mo Kio Hospital), Orchard (Mt Elizabeth), Woodlands (SATA). The rest of the hospital and SATA areas are rampant with zombies. ABC news advises all not to leave their home unless there is a zombie in the house.

Reported by Accident Teo

Quiz: Answer

What do you call an occasion when more than 20 actors gather together?
(Other than awards ceremonies or huge casts like LOTR where you have more than 100 gorillas running around)

Answer: Soccer Match

Quiz: What is dead but can sing? (This one is easy)

Prize: AE86

Local – Gay Boys Strike Again at the Crazy Horse Awards

Our very own Singapourian young stars Jesus Cheow, Veron Tay, iPok Quek and Emo Neo has done it again in the Crazy Horse Awards once again, sweeping the following awards at the second year of their entry in the Crazy Horse Awards.

Best Porn – Fing in a Circle Line, Clockwise
Best Gay Action – Fing in a Circle Line, Clockwise
Best Gay Hardcore – Fing in a Circle Line, Clockwise
Best Gay Mediumcore – Fing in a Circle Line, Clockwise
Best Gay Softcore – Fing the Other Way Round, Anti-clockwise
Best Gay Coreless – The Eunuch
Best BDSM Scene - Fing in a Circle Line
Best Kissing Scene – Veron Tay and Jesus Cheow
Best Gay Twosome – Veron Tay and Jesus Cheow
Best Gay Threesome - Veron Tay, Jesus Cheow and Emo Neo
Best Gay Foursome – Veron Tay, Jesus Cheow, Emo Neo and iPoke Quek
Best Body – Jesus Cheow
Best Male Lead Gay Porn Star – Emo Neo
Best Support Male Gay Porn Star – iPoke Quek
Best Male Voiceover – iPoke Quek
Best New Gay Incomer – OT Khoo

The Crazy Horse Awards were created by the world renown famous Rocksen from rocksen.blogspot.com to glorify the craziest horses in Asia whom have excelled in their area throughout the year.

Our boys, who have dominated these awards for more than 5 years, were emotionless at winning the awards.

“Yawnz,” commented iPoke Quek, more affectionately known as Mr. Sleep, “yawnz yawnz yawnz yawnz yawnz yawnz.”

For those who do not understand iPoke Quek’s sleep language, we have specially decoded the message for you.

“To open the mouth wide with a deep inhalation, usually involuntarily from drowsiness, fatigue, or boredom, to open the mouth wide with a deep inhalation, usually involuntarily from drowsiness, fatigue, or boredom, to open the mouth wide with a deep inhalation, usually involuntarily from drowsiness, fatigue, or boredom, to open the mouth wide with a deep inhalation, usually involuntarily from drowsiness, fatigue, or boredom, to open the mouth wide with a deep inhalation, usually involuntarily from drowsiness, fatigue, or boredom, to open the mouth wide with a deep inhalation, usually involuntarily from drowsiness, fatigue, or boredom, to open the mouth wide with a deep inhalation, usually involuntarily from drowsiness, fatigue, or boredom.”

This year’s Best New Gay Incomer OT Khoo was surprised and delighted when his name was announced for the award.
P.S. This does not mean he is not delighted after that.

“Rather surprised, but I’m glad I worked OT everyday to practice my skills. I believe this lead me to receive the Best New Gay Incomer Award,” OT said. He turned gay just two months ago but impressed the judges with his two months of hard work.

“It’s too easy,” Jesus said on the press conference, "we were hoping for challenges from greats like Pasta Tan but he's straight."

"He's just so not crooked," Emo Neo added.

ABC team hereby wishes them luck for their future endeavours, as well as their next lives.

Entertainment - Disbanded Gorillas?

Entertainment - Disbanded Gorillas?

Virtual band Gorillas puzzled the world today that they were a non-existent band, with their voice being computerised. The world media has therefore questioned this band’s existence – whether they are really electronic voices or a group of gorillas trying to be funny.

Creator of this computerised band Gorillas said in the conference held today, that the Gorillas, band of the popular song “Feel Songz.Inc”, were just a spark of creativity with the help of Limited Creativity Technology Pte Ltd and their new sound card.

“We were just out to make a little money, but it never came across to us that Gorillas will become famous. With Limited Creativity the way we could go was quite limited when we first started out,” said the head of Gorillas, otherwise known as Gorilla Head.

When asked what the future of Gorillas is like, Gorilla Head said, “most likely going back to the zoo though. We’re currently considering offers for Singapour Zoological Gardens. Another strong competitor would be Gorilla Hotel, Singapore.”

Gorilla Head also mentioned that the head from Planet of the Ape did not like the idea of selling the band to some organisation, but instead to carry on singing. The request no to carry out the idea was lead by Tarsan, King of the Jungle and Jane, who became his friend after Tarsan’s famous “Jungle Song” by Aquatic.

Other contenders, including, Jungle Boy, however, was on another stand. He wanted to adopt the Gorillas if the above mentioned plans could not work out. But all decisions are waiting upon Gorilla Head’s decision.